A Hole That Can't Be Filled

It's been ages since I've posted anything on my blog and it's a shame that it had to take something like this to compel me to do so again. For some reason today I just had to write about my Mom.

My Mom & Dad in the early 50's. 

I had never seen this photograph until it was posted 

on my cousin's Facebook page after my Mother's death.

I always thought that I was so independent growing up. I moved away from home when I was 19, but moved back home a couple of times. But when my son was born in 1990 my mother once again became a critical cog in my daily routine. She was my mother, but more importantly she was my son's babysitter.
I saw her every Monday - Friday and sometimes on weekends. Then when I met Steve and moved down to San Pedro, in 2000, I thought "How great not to be under my parent's scrutiny every day!" Funny, I guess I still wanted to be "independent". Selfishly, I hadn't considered the impact on my parent's lives. Not that it would have made any difference in my moving. Then we made a bigger move up to Idaho. I no longer had the ability to just jump in the car to visit my parents & siblings. But life goes on. Our new busy lives make days fly by as thoughts of "I need to give Mom a call" buzz in and out of my head. Looking back now after 10 years, maybe I should have called more often, or made an effort to drive down to visit, when I had the opportunity. Again the thoughts of calling Mom were there but never acted upon. 

This is the last picture taken of my Mom, 5 days before she passed.

Pictured here with my sister Karen who she was visiting in Las Vegas.

My worst nightmare became reality on July 2nd when I got the call from my niece that Mom had a massive heart attack and was on life support. The next day I few to Las Vegas to be with my Dad, brothers and sisters to say good bye to the person who made the biggest impact on my life.

She's been gone 12 days now and most days are okay, then out of the blue it hits. To see me crying for no apparent reason would be quite common lately except I hide out when it overcomes me. Right now I have to be sure that my tears don't short out my keyboard as I type this and hope that Steve doesn't notice. He would just try would console me and there isn't anything anyone can do to help. It just needs to be done, and in a few minutes I'll be okay again.

Even though I hadn't spoken with her for a couple of weeks, I know that my Mom knew that I loved her. And it makes me feel glad knowing she "went out" doing what she loved best. She had a great week with Karen and her grand & great grand kids. They went shopping, got a hair cut & pedicure. She won on the slots and on her last waking day on this earth she went to the movies and had a hot dog and ice cream.

And when she takes a break from playing that big slot machine in the sky, she'll hear me as I tell her that I love her and miss her every day.